Spinal Fire Scientia Est Potentia

Freedom Feel: How to Stop 6 Year Old Terrorists

In this “post 911” world its good to know that there are those among us that take the initiative to flush out terrorists wherever they may lurk. One shining example of this initiative is a division of our very own Department of Homeland Security: namely the Transportation Security Administration. The TSA was signed into law by President George Walker Bush on November 19, 2001 in response to an infamous hijacking that occurred using only box-cutters. The terrorists then piloted the planes directly into two skyscrapers which promptly imploded. Another building nearby was also demolished even though it was not hit by a plane! Luckily for the owner of the complex he had just taken out a billion dollar insurance policy on the buildings.

The devastation of the event put the whole country in a collective state of shock. The pain steeled the American peoples determination that it would never happened again no matter what the cost!

In the years following we have been asked to give up certain “luxuries” when we travel to retain our freedoms. We've had to remove our every bit of non-essential clothing including our shoes. We've had to be dusted for explosive residue on our fingers. We've been questioned poked and prodded until finally the TSA told us that liquids could be combined to create a bomb on an airplane and that further concessions were needed:

We have been asked to no longer carry shampoo, gels, toothpaste and other liquids with us when we travel
woman have been made to sample their own breast milk to prove it is not poison that could be used to kill the flight staff
Suspicious elderly citizens colostomy bags have been commandeered and its contents inspected on the spot
Comely women who may be in league with “White Al Queda” have been vigorously inspected to see that their breast implants are in fact silicon and not C-4
Handi-Capable citizens have been made to stand to be scanned whether they are in fact capable of doing so or not.
Enhanced pat downs were implemented which include the squeezing of genitals in order to ascertain that they are in fact genitals and not weapons of mass destruction.

Recently these measures have been deemed to be far too lenient. The TSA, with our safety in mind, implemented millimeter wave X-ray Machines! The US Airforce uses the same technology in a weapons system know as the Active Denial System which when used in crowd control causes an intense burning sensation in the subject who feels as if his or her skin is going to catch fire. In a move that no doubt save tax payers a lot of money this same technology is now being used for our own protection at the airports. With a little tweaking the burning sensation is replaced with a high resolution image of a persons naked body through their clothes. Never fear though, the images are inverted so that blacks are white and vice a versa. To my knowledge there is no commercially available way to invert graphic images conveniently bundled with every version of photo editing software available. So if you are too prudish to endure an “enhanced pat down.” You can now get a simple photo taken of yourself naked without the fuss of taking your clothes off!

Another particular boon to these machines is that the computers they are hooked up to are INCAPABLE of saving or printing the files! Imagine the technical wizards that came up with the software for that, imagine if someone could crack the code and leaked a bunch of these pictures on the internet...

In addition to the privacy of allowing a professional stranger to see you and your children completely naked there are also health benefits to these machines. Anne Coulter who writes for the prestigious FOX Science Journal reports that: “anyone exposed to excess radiation from the nuclear power plants is now probably much less likely to get cancer.” What great news! Why wait for the healing radiation from the Fukishima incident to build up in your system when you could jump start your cancer inoculation by passing through a naked body scan!

If healing radiation is not enough to dissuade you from your prudish unwillingness to have a stranger leering at photos of your child’s genitals, let me assure you your fear is unfounded. It is well established that Pedophiles rarely go where children congregate. Why on earth would they try and get a job where they get the choice of sitting in private booth all day looking at hundreds of naked photos, OR the chance to feel every inch of hundreds of strangers bodies for eight hours a day and get paid for it?

Which brings us to our point. It seems as if the mythical “White Al Queda” has begun infiltrating our airport security. The devious bastards are lining the children's diapers with explosives! If it weren’t for an enterprising young TSA agent in Louisiana 6 year old Anna Drexel would have got through the checkpoint with her contraband that was destined to take out the Statue of Liberty itself. Somehow this mini terrorists found a way to beat the naked body scanners and their watchers, the machine registered absolutely no contraband. That's when the defenders of our liberties sprang into action. TSA agent Ms. X (identity withheld as she wishes to not be made into a hero) smelled something amiss other than a dirty diaper. As Anna's complicit parents pled for their daughter to be rescanned in order to hide their guilt Ms X carried on with her Freedom grope touching her private parts and running her hands down the waist of her pants looking for terror. When all was said and done the little girl put on quite a show, crying as if she had just been molested by a pederast. In fact the tears were most likely due to her swallowing the capsule she was going to use to poison the pilot and commandeer the flight.

Detractors say that this was a case of unreasonable search and seizure. Well I say the proof is in the pudding. The first time a 6 year old Caucasian girl straps a mini nuke in her pants and takes out a major US city all the detractors will see the folly of not treating every traveler exactly the same. There is no fairness to racial profiling. In fact I am of the opinion that CSI should be canceled for their un-politically correct profiling of criminals. The simple fact is that in this post 911 world we must all be guilty until proven innocent. The little old lady walking across the street with a bag of “groceries.” How can we be sure she's not an anthrax mule? Your new “Canadian” neighbor who insists on flying a foreign flag in America... could he be the ringleader of a sleeper cell waiting for Allah to tell him when to act? Even you who read this article, you think you know yourself...but how well do you know your spouse and children, do they always seem to be carrying liquids with them in generic containers marked Sigg or Nalgene? How do you know that's not a bio-warfare vessel containing H1N1, Ebola, or even SARS?

The TSA has been far too lenient up to this point. We must stop these terrorists before they take any more of our freedoms. The answer is simple: we should put doctors at the airports. Obama care could fund free mammogram, colonoscopy, bloodwork, Xray and psychological screenings at the TSA checkpoints. Because if we don’t health screen every passenger whats to stop Al Queda from infecting one of their own with a highly contagious disease just before they board the plane? A vector such as that could infect the whole world in a manner of days.

Only after every passenger is completely searched and tested will we be completely free. Then and only then could we feel safe from the terrorists that are stealing our freedoms. I for one would like to not have to look at a 6 year old girl and wonder...is this the one who will put a mushroom cloud over Los Angeles?

Here is a link to the little terrorist getting her freedom feel
http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/2011/04/this_is_how_the.php